I lost a friend a few days ago.
Well, I never actually met her physically. She got married to a good friend of mine but it was painful to hear. Really painful. I still haven’t called him. I don’t know what to say. How to say anything for that matter.
What gets to me the most is the way things just seem normal. After all, the sun rose like it would on any other day. The same smiles on the faces that greet you. Or frowns! Yet death happens.
Three months we spent in the training school. Three months of unmasking. Three months of laughter, arguments, tests and hugs. Three months of friendship. Now it’s three years later and tragedy.
Just like that. Like I said, I never met his wife, I didn’t need to, to feel. No one deserves this kind of grief. There is no manual to deal with trauma. These dirty little games life throws at us. Yet it happens time and time again.
Personally I have witnessed death, my brother, my friend, my sister in law. Each thought me a different lesson. But truly did I need death to teach me what I needed to know. I think not. Where does one start from? What do I say to him?
I felt so empty inside. Then I thought; ‘what would HE be feeling’? Married a few months ago. Just began a new life and family and wham! The rug is snatched right under his feet. With a baby to care for.
Or am I the one who is taking it too far?
Death? It has its sting but the world moves on like it always does.
Like everything else in my reality, I have to deal with it.
June 19, 2006
June 06, 2006
My dream last night
I remember the first time I saw him. I was with a friend and she tugged me saying “that’s him, that’s the guy I was telling you about” I took a look, tall, fair, a nap sack slung over his shoulders, t-shirt, jeans, boots and an ear phone. “Weird” I thought and put him off my mind. It was my first year in the university and he was supposed to be some sort of femme fatale but i didn't know him, he was nobody to me
Second semester, second year, I met Mr Weird. We were introduced, I vaguely remembered him from before. He smiled at me with such childlike enthusiasm, i couldn't help not liking him immediately. Easily the best looking guy I had ever set eyes on. Actually still is!
Next thing i know, he's every where i am..........was he stalking me? I wish! Anyway he was always there armed with ‘the smile’.
So i learnt he was rather nice, generous and could make me bend over with laughter effortlessly. So we laughed together, ate together, walked together, read together, and even went to church together but…….
…….there was this underlying message, we never talked about it but we both acknowledged, understood and accepted it - We were just friends and nothing more.
Thats how i learnt the value of a friend.
That with a friend, i have nothing to fear. Everything to trust
That i had gained a brother, a best friend and everything in between.
A friend will treat you like the most important person in the World.
And teach you about life
With a friend, you will know you are beautiful.
I can’t write about all the arguments we had or the making up that was even better. The smiles. The hugs. The caring. The lessons learnt.
I remember the day he left the country. It was like any other except that I finally realized that I was in love and I never even knew it. I cried all the way back to school. I cried for all the hugs I never gave, all the times he wanted to hold my hand and I felt it was too public, I cried for getting angry because he gave what was mine to a friend in need. I cried for all the times I said I was too busy studying and he’d just sit there watching me. I cried for all the words I never said. Yes, we had our issues but there was something that always kept us long after we should have quit and that’s why I cried, because I let him leave and I knew that I would never see him again. At least not in the same way I saw him that very last time and I was right. I never saw him again until my dream last night.
I had a dream last night. How real it seemed to me. We sat side by side in the park, the one close to the auditorium.
Beneath the tree’s canopy. We talked about the old times. The good, the bad and in between. We cried a little, we laughed so hard, as we reminisced about our yesterdays.
You looked deep in my eyes while we spoke. The way you always do and I felt so alive and vibrant with you so close by me.
Then the sun shifted her sit and we got up to take a walk, side by side beneath the heavens. I heard you say “I love you” and what a joy it was to have me in your life.
I whispered back in return. But you laughed when I said those words. I wondered why you did yet I didn’t ask, I kept silent and I never asked
You kept on talking, you always did that and I let you go on talking. “It’s getting late” you finally finished and kissed me on my lips.
I barely called out your name but I felt you walk away, fading from my view until you disappeared into the distance and that’s when I realized how much you meant to me and all the things I longed to say to you.
But you never heard those words cos I never saw you again. Until last night when I had a dream.
Thank you for giving me the best days of my life. You were my first true love. I feel sorry I never said those words but I wouldn’t want to change anything now. We’ve both gone our separate ways. I respect that and more. I only wanted to say that you were beautiful. You probably still are! You were good to me and I never even said thank you. I think this is my way of saying goodbye!
Second semester, second year, I met Mr Weird. We were introduced, I vaguely remembered him from before. He smiled at me with such childlike enthusiasm, i couldn't help not liking him immediately. Easily the best looking guy I had ever set eyes on. Actually still is!
Next thing i know, he's every where i am..........was he stalking me? I wish! Anyway he was always there armed with ‘the smile’.
So i learnt he was rather nice, generous and could make me bend over with laughter effortlessly. So we laughed together, ate together, walked together, read together, and even went to church together but…….
…….there was this underlying message, we never talked about it but we both acknowledged, understood and accepted it - We were just friends and nothing more.
Thats how i learnt the value of a friend.
That with a friend, i have nothing to fear. Everything to trust
That i had gained a brother, a best friend and everything in between.
A friend will treat you like the most important person in the World.
And teach you about life
With a friend, you will know you are beautiful.
I can’t write about all the arguments we had or the making up that was even better. The smiles. The hugs. The caring. The lessons learnt.
I remember the day he left the country. It was like any other except that I finally realized that I was in love and I never even knew it. I cried all the way back to school. I cried for all the hugs I never gave, all the times he wanted to hold my hand and I felt it was too public, I cried for getting angry because he gave what was mine to a friend in need. I cried for all the times I said I was too busy studying and he’d just sit there watching me. I cried for all the words I never said. Yes, we had our issues but there was something that always kept us long after we should have quit and that’s why I cried, because I let him leave and I knew that I would never see him again. At least not in the same way I saw him that very last time and I was right. I never saw him again until my dream last night.
I had a dream last night. How real it seemed to me. We sat side by side in the park, the one close to the auditorium.
Beneath the tree’s canopy. We talked about the old times. The good, the bad and in between. We cried a little, we laughed so hard, as we reminisced about our yesterdays.
You looked deep in my eyes while we spoke. The way you always do and I felt so alive and vibrant with you so close by me.
Then the sun shifted her sit and we got up to take a walk, side by side beneath the heavens. I heard you say “I love you” and what a joy it was to have me in your life.
I whispered back in return. But you laughed when I said those words. I wondered why you did yet I didn’t ask, I kept silent and I never asked
You kept on talking, you always did that and I let you go on talking. “It’s getting late” you finally finished and kissed me on my lips.
I barely called out your name but I felt you walk away, fading from my view until you disappeared into the distance and that’s when I realized how much you meant to me and all the things I longed to say to you.
But you never heard those words cos I never saw you again. Until last night when I had a dream.
Thank you for giving me the best days of my life. You were my first true love. I feel sorry I never said those words but I wouldn’t want to change anything now. We’ve both gone our separate ways. I respect that and more. I only wanted to say that you were beautiful. You probably still are! You were good to me and I never even said thank you. I think this is my way of saying goodbye!
In the depth of winter.....................
My alarm rings at 5.45am & I jump out of bed. It’s a Monday morning. I put the water to heat & reset my alarm for 5.55am….. “There must be an easier way to earn a living” I think! Alright, fine. I am not just trying to earn a living, I am actually trying to live & not merely exist but sometimes that alarm can be a challenge.
Anyway, I am more perky than most mornings which is good so I really don’t need to psyche myself so much & remind myself what a great life I have in spite of the “other” issues I face & how I have come so far & it will get better. Anyway, it’s a quarter past 6 & I am ready to go to the office. Wearing all black as usual. That color doesn’t say anything about my mood. I just like to wear black. It’s simply less stress & of cos it makes me look slimmer.
No make up for me today. I must be trying to get in tune with my inner self. And I am thinking about my life as I drive into V.I. Where did the days go? I remember Katung and the =N=14M the guy just won on big brother. I was telling my in-laws yesterday that it doesn’t seem like much money to me. It really still doesn’t. The only thing I can think of is school!
With that money, I will go to school & have myself a master or 2 & make some good investments. I am not quite the business type or so I think right now. Then another thought hits me…..Is it possible to get a scholarship from a bank to go to school? I will try to find out & if it is I will definitely do it.
So many thoughts going through my mind. I know it’s partly because of the way the weekend went. It was good, I am honestly not complaining. Infact I make a solemn promise from this moment; no more complaints about anything or anybody.
But this morning, I ask myself questions I never ask……will I ever get married? Have children? Have a masters? Loose weight? Get a job at Mobil or Chevron? Earn =N=8M per annum? What will I look like in five years? Where will I be? Who will I be? What will I be doing? Would I like myself in 5 years? Will I still have this smile? This attitude?
I don’t know.
I wish I could say different but that would be such a lie that I don’t dare. I can’t answer any of these questions. I never do. I know what I want but I fear that I would never get to it. Maybe later. But not now. I am suddenly afraid. Afraid of everything. The future, even right now.
I don’t have much fight in me so I began to look at the world or rather life like one big comedy. I laugh a lot and smile at that which I don’t understand or don’t have. That’s my defence, since I finally realized that life really is not a bed of roses. Life is tough and I am not. I won’t kid myself. I am not tough at all. I have a big heart and I never learnt to fight back so I take it and I simply tell myself to deal with it.
I deal with it! Everyday. Just that. I am dealing with life even if I really have no answers. I am not here to have a pity party.
No! What’s there to pity, I am a great great girl amongst other qualities. (even if I have to say so myself) And I believe that I am grown past that. It’s more or else reminiscing or cleansing. Take your pick. Because a long time ago I came to terms with myself. Accepted what & who I am. Truthfully, I love who I am and I am glad that I do. And I truly believe rain or shine, I will be fine. And of cos my favorite quote is by Albert Calmus & it says “In the depth of winter I finally realized there is in me an invisible summer”.
I have a whole lot ahead of me and like I tell myself everyday, I have come so far, I will go so far.
Anyway, I am more perky than most mornings which is good so I really don’t need to psyche myself so much & remind myself what a great life I have in spite of the “other” issues I face & how I have come so far & it will get better. Anyway, it’s a quarter past 6 & I am ready to go to the office. Wearing all black as usual. That color doesn’t say anything about my mood. I just like to wear black. It’s simply less stress & of cos it makes me look slimmer.
No make up for me today. I must be trying to get in tune with my inner self. And I am thinking about my life as I drive into V.I. Where did the days go? I remember Katung and the =N=14M the guy just won on big brother. I was telling my in-laws yesterday that it doesn’t seem like much money to me. It really still doesn’t. The only thing I can think of is school!
With that money, I will go to school & have myself a master or 2 & make some good investments. I am not quite the business type or so I think right now. Then another thought hits me…..Is it possible to get a scholarship from a bank to go to school? I will try to find out & if it is I will definitely do it.
So many thoughts going through my mind. I know it’s partly because of the way the weekend went. It was good, I am honestly not complaining. Infact I make a solemn promise from this moment; no more complaints about anything or anybody.
But this morning, I ask myself questions I never ask……will I ever get married? Have children? Have a masters? Loose weight? Get a job at Mobil or Chevron? Earn =N=8M per annum? What will I look like in five years? Where will I be? Who will I be? What will I be doing? Would I like myself in 5 years? Will I still have this smile? This attitude?
I don’t know.
I wish I could say different but that would be such a lie that I don’t dare. I can’t answer any of these questions. I never do. I know what I want but I fear that I would never get to it. Maybe later. But not now. I am suddenly afraid. Afraid of everything. The future, even right now.
I don’t have much fight in me so I began to look at the world or rather life like one big comedy. I laugh a lot and smile at that which I don’t understand or don’t have. That’s my defence, since I finally realized that life really is not a bed of roses. Life is tough and I am not. I won’t kid myself. I am not tough at all. I have a big heart and I never learnt to fight back so I take it and I simply tell myself to deal with it.
I deal with it! Everyday. Just that. I am dealing with life even if I really have no answers. I am not here to have a pity party.
No! What’s there to pity, I am a great great girl amongst other qualities. (even if I have to say so myself) And I believe that I am grown past that. It’s more or else reminiscing or cleansing. Take your pick. Because a long time ago I came to terms with myself. Accepted what & who I am. Truthfully, I love who I am and I am glad that I do. And I truly believe rain or shine, I will be fine. And of cos my favorite quote is by Albert Calmus & it says “In the depth of winter I finally realized there is in me an invisible summer”.
I have a whole lot ahead of me and like I tell myself everyday, I have come so far, I will go so far.
June 01, 2006
A-Z MEME
Accent - None that I know of
Booze - Mostly water & ice
Chore I hate - Folding clothes
Dogs/Cats - Neither
Essential electronics - Laptop
Favorite Perfume - Anything goes. Haven't developed the art yet!!!
Gold/Silver - Silver (all that shine!)
Hometown - Okrika
Insomnia - I’m quite pillow friendly
Job Title - Consultant!! Whatever that is
Kids - Does a neice count?
Living arrangements - Spacious & homely
Most admired trait - Thats easy........... My "the sun is shinning through the rain" Attitude & of cos the SMILE!!
Number of sexual partners - Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Overnight hospital stays - Once – Anemia, had a Blood transfusion.
Phobia - Men & Heights
Quote - I have two
1) Albert Calmus – “In the depth of winter, I finally realized that there is in me, an invisible summer”
2) Marcus Aurelius – “Because a thing seems difficult, do not think it impossible”
Religion - Christianity
Siblings - 4 brothers & 4 sisters. And please don’t ask!
Time I usually awake - Anytime from 5:30 a.m.
Unusual talent - I can laugh through a storm
Vegetable I refuse to eat - Broccoli ( That’s a shrub!)
Worst habit - I am so finicky about my hair
X-rays - None yet
Yummy foods I make - Fish Stew
Zodiac sign - I think Sagittarius
Booze - Mostly water & ice
Chore I hate - Folding clothes
Dogs/Cats - Neither
Essential electronics - Laptop
Favorite Perfume - Anything goes. Haven't developed the art yet!!!
Gold/Silver - Silver (all that shine!)
Hometown - Okrika
Insomnia - I’m quite pillow friendly
Job Title - Consultant!! Whatever that is
Kids - Does a neice count?
Living arrangements - Spacious & homely
Most admired trait - Thats easy........... My "the sun is shinning through the rain" Attitude & of cos the SMILE!!
Number of sexual partners - Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Overnight hospital stays - Once – Anemia, had a Blood transfusion.
Phobia - Men & Heights
Quote - I have two
1) Albert Calmus – “In the depth of winter, I finally realized that there is in me, an invisible summer”
2) Marcus Aurelius – “Because a thing seems difficult, do not think it impossible”
Religion - Christianity
Siblings - 4 brothers & 4 sisters. And please don’t ask!
Time I usually awake - Anytime from 5:30 a.m.
Unusual talent - I can laugh through a storm
Vegetable I refuse to eat - Broccoli ( That’s a shrub!)
Worst habit - I am so finicky about my hair
X-rays - None yet
Yummy foods I make - Fish Stew
Zodiac sign - I think Sagittarius
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