June 06, 2006

In the depth of winter.....................

My alarm rings at 5.45am & I jump out of bed. It’s a Monday morning. I put the water to heat & reset my alarm for 5.55am….. “There must be an easier way to earn a living” I think! Alright, fine. I am not just trying to earn a living, I am actually trying to live & not merely exist but sometimes that alarm can be a challenge.

Anyway, I am more perky than most mornings which is good so I really don’t need to psyche myself so much & remind myself what a great life I have in spite of the “other” issues I face & how I have come so far & it will get better. Anyway, it’s a quarter past 6 & I am ready to go to the office. Wearing all black as usual. That color doesn’t say anything about my mood. I just like to wear black. It’s simply less stress & of cos it makes me look slimmer.

No make up for me today. I must be trying to get in tune with my inner self. And I am thinking about my life as I drive into V.I. Where did the days go? I remember Katung and the =N=14M the guy just won on big brother. I was telling my in-laws yesterday that it doesn’t seem like much money to me. It really still doesn’t. The only thing I can think of is school!

With that money, I will go to school & have myself a master or 2 & make some good investments. I am not quite the business type or so I think right now. Then another thought hits me…..Is it possible to get a scholarship from a bank to go to school? I will try to find out & if it is I will definitely do it.

So many thoughts going through my mind. I know it’s partly because of the way the weekend went. It was good, I am honestly not complaining. Infact I make a solemn promise from this moment; no more complaints about anything or anybody.

But this morning, I ask myself questions I never ask……will I ever get married? Have children? Have a masters? Loose weight? Get a job at Mobil or Chevron? Earn =N=8M per annum? What will I look like in five years? Where will I be? Who will I be? What will I be doing? Would I like myself in 5 years? Will I still have this smile? This attitude?

I don’t know.

I wish I could say different but that would be such a lie that I don’t dare. I can’t answer any of these questions. I never do. I know what I want but I fear that I would never get to it. Maybe later. But not now. I am suddenly afraid. Afraid of everything. The future, even right now.

I don’t have much fight in me so I began to look at the world or rather life like one big comedy. I laugh a lot and smile at that which I don’t understand or don’t have. That’s my defence, since I finally realized that life really is not a bed of roses. Life is tough and I am not. I won’t kid myself. I am not tough at all. I have a big heart and I never learnt to fight back so I take it and I simply tell myself to deal with it.

I deal with it! Everyday. Just that. I am dealing with life even if I really have no answers. I am not here to have a pity party.

No! What’s there to pity, I am a great great girl amongst other qualities. (even if I have to say so myself) And I believe that I am grown past that. It’s more or else reminiscing or cleansing. Take your pick. Because a long time ago I came to terms with myself. Accepted what & who I am. Truthfully, I love who I am and I am glad that I do. And I truly believe rain or shine, I will be fine. And of cos my favorite quote is by Albert Calmus & it says “In the depth of winter I finally realized there is in me an invisible summer”.

I have a whole lot ahead of me and like I tell myself everyday, I have come so far, I will go so far.

3 comments:

TEMITAYO OMOLOLA said...

You sound like me. The only difference is that i don't have that Job in VI yet (i'll be getting it anyday now i can feel it in the air) and im just an ordinary youth corper. But sometimes especially lately i've been asking myself those same questions and i wonder.
But every time i do and i end up getting depressed which is most of the time, i take comfort in the fact that somehow I will get to do all those things and more in God own special time.
So chin up 'cos you'll get there and just like you said you'll be fine.
P.S i love your quote. And even though i don't know how big you are but i'd like you to know that BIG is beautiful and is snothing to be ashamed of.

Annabelle said...

Thanks dear. I am a size 12 but I wear 14 alot. Honestly I think its mostly in my head that I am big. I should relax more and simply enjoy each day like I am learning to do. I absolutely agree with you

TEMITAYO OMOLOLA said...

hi,
i was dusting my blog trying to get back in the rythm of writing when i came across your comment on my last post. I really couldn't remember what it was that i'd written so i had to come check. This brings back so many memories....... thinking back to those times i wish i had simply relaxed 'cos things have indeed turned out well. They're not perfect but i know that it can only get better... I did get that job in V/I but not until i took one sorry job first, all for the sake of working.. then waking up and remembering my dreams , resigning from that job and pounding the streets of Lagos sending my resume.. no scratch that .. it was more like flinging my resume to the four corners of the country and spending a lot of time on my knees until i finally got the Job i wanted in VI. Im soo happy that i got to read this 'cos it reminds me that whatever my dreams are i will certainly get to do them all in God's special time. One verse that kept me during the few months last year while i was job hunting is that God is always on time . Hes never late and he's never too early he's an on time God so i can rest that all my dreams will be fufuilled in God's own time. Im so happy that you got the job of your dreams and your loosing a whole dress size . madam abeg tell me how you did it 'cos im trying to loose just one dress size.. ive lost some weight but i still have a long way to go before i become an official 12. anyhooos before i write a whole blog post in your comments area.lemme go post on my blog........ see ya and dont forget to keep in touch and keep blogging.